20 Biggest Shitters Of The Past 100 Years

WARNING: This text is full of foul language and stomach-turning situations related to toilet activities. The following twenty icons talk in great (and frankly very disgusting) detail about the joys, trials, and tribulations of taking a dump, and any other aspects that relate to fecal matter. None of their statements have been censored, so if you're the squeamish type, do not proceed.


In Their Own Words: A Study Of Iconic Excrement. A brown-stained countdown to the top shitter of our Era.

20. Jimmy Carter 

"I love saying grace before a meal, but even more so after it, before I take a dump. Just as I always treat my guests with courtesy, whether they be coming or leaving my peanut farm - I do the same with food. Treat food well as you eat it and then also as it leaves your anus: it says so in the Bible. If I'm in a rush to unload during grace, it gets tricky, so I speed up my pre-shit thanks to God, but I always finish it just in time. No shit has ever disrespected my grace and left my ass on a dinner table i.e. before a speech was over. But it does help to have good ass-muscles. I train them every morning by lifting my peanut-bags.

I'd advise anyone who has diarrhea to practice their grace speech in accelerated form. There are many Bible seminars throughout the U.S. that teach how to speedily say thanks to God before a meal, so the shit doesn't interrupt that very special close relationship with God. These seminars also offer special courses for people who have extreme diarrhea: these very runny cases are advised to give grace on the toilet seat - with the meal in front of them."

19. Nelson Mandela 

"I was in jail at the time and there was no toilet facility in my cell. So during visiting hours, I once asked my good friend Saddam Hussein how he manages to keep so much shit piled up inside him. He gave me a useful tip: 'Never take out the cork.' (Funny how all wisdom is brief and to the point.) Unfortunately, my wife Winnie overheard our conversation and put in a cork herself, just out of curiosity.

Many years later when I finally got out of jail (being unjustly imprisoned for killing innocent civilians with bombs), I was so horny that as soon as I got home I tore off her skirt to fuck her up that sweet black ass of hers - but then saw the cork was still there! I took it out, but all the tons of shit that had accumulated over the years in that fat ass exploded right into my fucking face! There was so much noise and so much damage in and around our house that the police arrived to arrest me, thinking that I had already gone back to making bombs to blow people up! Since this incident we all call my wife Winnie The Poop.

Is it true Poop killed all those people with the help of her rugby team? Of course it is! I was so proud of her... To continue my work like that while I was in the cell, all constipated and useless, it even made my very close friend Moammar Gaddafi very jealous."

18. Franjo Tudjman 

"On the day that Croatia finally gained its independence from the fucking Serbs, the fucking Gypsies and the even more fucking Jews, there was shit all over the floor in my presidential office. That's because years earlier I had vowed not to crap until we were a free country i.e. a tudjmanian tyranny, so the constipation really left its mark on that day in my office (and my face, in the long-term, as is plainly obvious).

So when independence i.e. dictatorship finally became reality, I immediately phoned Zagreb's Dinamo football club. As soon as they heard about the shit, they put on their checkered sneakers and arrived in my office in less than 10 minutes. They licked the floor clean in even less. Every proud and patriotic Croat citizen dreamt of licking my ass clean. There was much jealousy. But I thought Dinamo deserved this privilege the most. Goran Ivanisevic, who was my neighbour, got quite upset he wasn't invited to eat my shit on that momentous day. But I guess those are the kinds of problems one faces when one is a God.

To mark Croatia's independence day it was decided (I mean I decided) that a stamp with a picture of my turds would be released. A year later I also released a new 35-Kuna bill with a picture of players of Dinamo Zagreb eating my excrement. They were so grateful that they spontaneously offered to sacrifice all of their children so I could bathe in their virgin blood. Naturally, I refused the offer, telling them that we'll need those kids for future wars with the fucking Serbs, the fucking Moslems, and the even more fucking Jews, where their blood will be better spent. After all, giving blood in order to kill a Serb or a Jew is far more important than whether or not I'll look a day or two younger after a nice red bath.

There are plans to start selling my shit in bottles to our expatriates all over the world. The demand is huge, as it should be."

17. Princess Diana 

"I rarely take a dump. Most of my food comes out the same way it came in. I've actually given birth more often than I've dumped. Two sons, one dump: so the score is 2:1 in favour of my sons i.e. births. But I promise to inform the media as soon as my second dump (or my third child) is under way. When I look at William and Harry, it's tough to tell the difference though... When Harry was coming out of my VD-ravaged vagina, I thought he was an orange turd! But I didn't know much about turds back then: I was so young and naive! I even thought that eating food creates babies and that having sex makes shit. This is why I used bulimia as a contraceptive.

Other people take their shits for granted whereas for poor poor me they are rare like diamonds. So rare that I never flush one. Would you throw away a sapphire? I frame it on the wall, the rare turd. When Dodi comes over he gets jealous at my love for them, so he takes it off the wall and stands on it defiantly. But I think he does it to be taller, and since I've got no books in my villa… However, so rare have my turds been recently that my atrophied ass-muscles forgot how to eject them, so my long-retired butt now sends them back to the mouth, so when I do shit now I shit through the mouth. Dodi is Egyptian so he doesn't mind my bad breath, but I nearly killed the Pope when I last greeted him. They say his condition drastically worsened since then and never got better. Poor poor me…"

16. Mother Theresa 

"People accuse me of not having children of my own. First of all, most couples meet at their working place, but whom can I meet at the Vatican? I'm neither 8 years old nor a boy. Secondly, I shit regularly and that's practically the same as giving birth. So as far as I'm concerned I have thousands of children. They live in the sewers and need my attention, but first I need to take care of those above-ground kids who know how to attract TV crews.

I used to have a lot more TV crews following my every holy move, but that Protestant Moslem-fucking Dodi-worshiping big-nosed bulimic bitch has been encroaching on my territory – but this contest she's gonna lose!

My sewer kids understand why the above-sewer kids are a priority. More cash in the bank. Besides, how can I not love my own children? So many of them look like me, it's astounding! Looking at my shit before I flush it is like looking in the mirror: tears rush to my eyes. Proof that genetics isn't a myth. That's why I always say that abortion is wrong! To abort a brown fetus is to stop one more child from being. It is tantamount to constipation."

15. Yassir Arafat 

"Being a Palestinian terrorist, I love shit. We have a very honest relationship with crap: we bathe in it, and we use it to replace our brains with it. Every boy is lobotomized - i.e. alentifadized -  after birth, and we put his father's shit inside his little head. Girls, however, get dogshit; only later in life, if and when they prove themselves worthy of their family shit will it replace the dogshit inside their heads. To deserve this, she needs to grow a mustache and hairy legs, which most girls easily achieve by the time they're 11. Some do, some don't. I'm lucky, because I have 8 shitted and only 2 unshitted daughters – all adopted, of course.

Why adopted? Well, as everyone knows I am queer. I like my men shaved and bleached blond, covered with shit from head to toe, which I can then lick off, while my crazy Fattah sperm shoots all over them. Probably why flies love me so much.

The funniest thing that ever happened was when the flies started attacking Gaddafi! I got a bit jealous, I must admit. That guy stinks of shit even more than me!

It is very tempting, but I have vowed not to use my black-dotted head-scarf to wipe the ass with. I have pledged to myself that I will do it only when we finally win a war against Israel. But, as you can see, it's still clean..."

14. Pope John Paul II 

"Dominus turdus excrimentae. Shite et crappus Deus excommunicitare. Aberus Dei shittus utilisitarum por pedofilum gamae. Viennum boyus chorale devourum shittae et swimmingare eunt. Cardinalus Ratzenbergus Nazius exterminatore boyus too oldus por gamae perversatorium. Ratzenbergus lickae anus excrementorius et organizatorum 'Dongotorium Gamae'. Ratzenbergus campionerum MMV. Habemus crappum papam."

13. Eva "Evita" Peron 

"The only difference between Eva Braun and myself is that she wasn't into watersports. However, we both loved no.2 with a passion! During the war, Eva often wrote to me, telling me how she sobbed for days because Adolf wouldn't indulge her in a shit-orgy. Hitler secretly loved crap, but couldn't admit to it due to the fact that it wasn't white and blue-eyed!

Sometimes I and Eva joked how the third most important Eva, the Bible's Eve, was probably duped into biting the apple due to the snake's wonderfully-smelling intoxicating farts. Do snakes fart? Juan says his does.

I started off as a model and actress, a typical street putana, which means I have shit for brains. Hence I'm one of those people who have shit above the neck as well as below it. But the Argie riff-raff love it: nothing gets them as excited as a short dumb blond shouting over a microphone about how much their shitty lives are worth. Of course, I lied. My brain may be shitty, but not nearly as shitty as those of our voters.

Btw, Juan was always so sad about there being no snow in our homeland, so he passed a law in which school-children would be taught how to make brown snowmen. One of the many, many great things we did for this dumb fucking country!"

12. Madeleine Albright  
 
"The longer you wait to unload, the chunkier and harder they become. And when they're hard it's easier to wipe the ass, whereas it takes an entire roll to wipe after a fresh turd – and fresh ones smell more... which is not necessarily a bad thing. I had decided a long time ago on shitting fresh: sure, longer wiping and the smell is potent but it keeps the rapists away from you in the toilet. Before, when I shat chunky and less smelly turds, the President would sneak inside and rape me. Sometimes he'd have his penis inside my vagina - while I was still wiping my anus!

I usually pretended he wasn't there, just ignored him as he ravaged me: there is a certain dignity that every girl can maintain during rape – i.e. if she pretends and acts as if nothing is happening while the penis is going in and out."

11. Bill Clinton 

"I crap all the time; whether it's coz of the burritos I eat by the dozens every hour or coz of Mac's cheeseburgers. James Rubin once calculated that I crapped about 3 million times during my brief 8-year tenure as President. The reason I gained weight is coz I started eating more burritos and more quickly than my ass could launch its projectiles; the ass simply couldn't keep up with my eating speed!

I literally eat while I shit. I have to, coz I shit all the time, and I have to shit all the time coz I eat all the time. Like Catch-52. It's like watching one of them chickens on farms. Sometimes I get a strange feeling, deja-vu I think it's called, that I'm shitting a burrito that I just ate 3 minutes earlier. Shit also makes for strange tales: once when I was shtooping Madeleine, she was wiping her ass after a dump while I was crapping at the same time – and all this while my penis was still inside her! No idea what kind of sex-game that is; some instinctive Arkansas tradition, I guess. It's in smelly moments like those that it really helps to have a nose full of snot, to block out the smells.

3 million times… that's enough to fill 5 White Houses, James tells me."

10. Gerhard Schroeder 

"For me crapping is an intensely private act. I can't stand to have anyone be anywhere near me when I do it. What I really hate is when the shit's just about to leave me and then someone suddenly calls my name – and the shit scurries back into the hole like a frightened little mouse! It can then literally take me hours until I can entice it to come at least close enough to the exit so that I can get rid of it with one final hard push. My Germanic turds don't take kindly to this kind of betrayal. Sometimes it takes revenge by splitting into two parts, with one part still remaining inside. Have you any idea how uncomfortable it is to address the whole nation on TV, with one half of a turd still inside?"

9. Henry Kissinger

"When our cabinet meetings dragged on and got too boring, we had great shit-fights. Members of staff would all crap into their hands and then it was pure havoc, turds flying all over the place, hitting walls, etc. It was particularly difficult to predict the flight path of a shit during a crap-orgy on a flight, which we called 'fight on the flight'. Nixon loved to throw it at others, but when he personally got one in the face he made such a stink about it that no-one threw it at him anymore… Spoil-sport…

Other people's shit wasn't kosher, only mine was, so whenever I wanted to join in the fun I had to ask people politely if they would very much mind using my own kosher shit to hurl at me. For this reason every day I carried a solid amount of my own kosher shit with me to work, in my suitcase. (Sometimes, if I was constipated, I borrowed some from a rabbi: his shit didn't even need a koshering ceremony - it was automatically kosher!) So I was the only one there who only received hits from my own shit (which was neatly marked 'Mr. Kissinger's kosher shit' so people would know it; though that was probably obsolete because my shit was sort of curly, hence easy to distinguish from the others' crap, anyway...).

I suppose you could say that the food I ate was coming back to haunt me. But in a good way..."

8. The Dalai Lama

"Striving for Nirvana is no easy task when you have to go to the crapper every half-an-hour. Ha-ha-ha! So I rarely eat beans before meditation. When I do take a massive crap, however, I try to use the time constructively and go through the Theravada process without a glitch, in spite of the fact that small turds might be falling out of my ass. It's all about focus: if you have that, even the silly sounds of crap falling into the water will not disturb your concentration. Ha-ha-ha! However, even in the deep state of Mahayana, strong smells ignore you can't.

Richard Gere often criticizes me for not shitting enough. Ha-ha-ha! He said he would like to build a Buddhist monastery made entirely out of my excrement. Marty Scorsese even said he would make a movie about my turds! Ha-ha-ha!"

7. Fidel Castro

"Taking a dump isn't a counterrevolutionary act - at least not when I do it. Every year on the 1st of May the masses gather around Havana's main square to watch me shit – into somebody else's pants! A volunteer is dragged out kicking and screaming out of the crowd, and his pants are then taken down. Then I bend down above his pants and take a massive dump for Marx and La Revolucion. Then he has to pull his pants up, dance a bit, and then fall on his knees and lick my anal caholé clean. Then two of my most trusted advisers inspect my ass as to whether it had been properly licked. If not, the volunteer is executed as a traitor to La Revolucion. If my caholé is clean enough, he gets a free banana and is thrown back into the crowd.

It's for this reason that I passed a law that every month is May, so that we have this celebration 12 times a year."

6. Barack Hussein Obama

"As a 21st-century messiah, Saviour of the World - hence someone who will eradicate world hunger, wars, disease and the current recession within the next several weeks - I have tremendous responsibility as to how I present myself to young people. As a result, I've devised an elegant, image-enhancing way to shit bricks: my turds are perfectly square-shaped, hence a metaphor for order, organization, intelligence and ambition.

So perfect are my turds that I've been goaded by my Hollywood friends into destroying the current White House and turning it into a Shit House - made entirely out of my own turds. I will be the first U.S. president to swim in my own shit.

As President, when I now crap I make sure that it's white people who wipe my ass every time. In fact, I made a conscious decision to fire all black servants, and replace them with honkeyz. Those bitch-ass pale-faced fuckaz gonna be now seein' what it's like to wipe a nigga's ass! Tha's the change I been talkin' 'bout, y'all! Yo, foo', yo better believe in that fact! Next up, me be makin' whiteyz eat sewer shit - as punishment for the centuries of slavery that my homeboyz had to live thru. Boo-ya!"

5. Queen Elizabeth II

"I never shat by myself, in my whole life: it just wouldn't be appropriate considering who I am. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't even know what to do with that horrid, horrid brown stuff. I have a special team of 'scheissters' who help me in the act. Richard is in charge of wiping, Windsor in charge of washing, and Attenborough spreads my butt-cheeks. Richard and Windsor often have rows with Attenborough when the latter doesn't do his job properly because when he screws up the other two have so much more work to do. So when they get too loud arguing I threaten them with dismissal: that usually shuts them up, for they hold positions for which half of mankind would die for.

After they finish everything, into the bathroom comes Harriet who collects the turds into a special portable safe, with two guards around her who are there to prevent any of it from being stolen. The safe is brought to a special wing of Fuckingham Palace where it is sorted according to the date it was produced. My husband loves the stuff, and according to Commonwealth law only the spouse of a ruler is allowed to use it for recreation. Naturally,  after using it he has to have it brought back to the safe. What he does with it? He eats it I think… Which is why it's useful that he vomits immediately so that we can return as much of the taken quantity to the safes as possible."

4. Vladimir Putin

"A wise President never lets his people see him stuff his head down the toilet. It's a great passion of mine, though. So great is the love I have for myself - in spite of my midget complex - that I worship the very shit I produce. The reason I'm so late for Kremlin meetings is that I can't get my head out of my own ass. I spend hours trying to see my shit BEFORE it goes out (a fascinating study, btw), and then hours analyzing it once it starts swimming in my gold-plated KGB toilet. The only thing that bugs me is that all my turds are just like me - very small! I tried teaching them black-belt karate, but it seems that my shits have no ambitions in life at all.

One day the whole world will learn to respect my shit, otherwise I'll consider using it as a counter-shield to that fucking thing they're building in Poland. We'll build the hardest wall of shit ever made! I am constipated a lot of the time, so my crap is made of very hard material. Let's see if NATO's rockets are tough enough to pierce Putin's brown stuff!"

3. Mahatma Gandhi

"What is this thing you ask me about? I never heard of this 'shit'. People have approached me before and asked me strange questions about things called 'turds' leaving my bumhole. Is that what you mean? We call those things 'brownies'. We eat them. Normally people would eat their own, that way enhancing the cycle of Hindu re-birth, but because everyone is starving they rarely make enough, so they try to eat other people's. Usually only rich people eat enough to produce their own brownies, so poor people beg the rich on the streets to eject them into their mouths. I would so gladly help the poor that way, but I make no brownies.

Personally, I have enough to eat, I'm richer than the English Queen. But as a veggie who eats three pieces of grass every week, I can never make proper brownies. I sometimes fart, but almost only through my mouth. People love it when I fart throughout my speeches, they then clap and kiss my unwashed feet. And then I make them smell my breath: that gets me sexually excited - just as my niece does: I fuck her every morning as part of my celibate lifestyle, but for some reason she ejects a brownie onto my little penis every time I do it! Am I screwing the wrong hole?...

Albert Einstein once visited me and I gave him a brownie: he ate it with relish. He said he felt closer to God that way. 'God doesn't play dice,' Al said, 'but He sure makes delicious brownies!' I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was just my niece's brownie, not mine, and one I had just wiped off my cock minutes earlier after I'd fucked her...

I refuse to eat them. Brownies are living things. They have a right to life just as people and animals have."

2. Charles de Gaulle

"I can shit anywhere, anytime, anyplace! I'm French, after all. We don't just piss around.

One time when I was fucking a whore – well, my aunt's underage boyfriend – a small chunk fell out. Another time, when I was discussing Algeria with Eisenhower, a large and very long turd fell out - almost as long as my face (in fact, it resembled me quite a bit) - right on my shoe and Ike's, forming something of a 'bridge'. Eisenhower just laughed and said this symbolized the friendship between our two nations. It sure does.

Then I remember when once I bent down to kiss the hand of a very aging Pope – and out it went... This was in his later years when he was a bit of an Alzheimer, so he bent down towards my shit to consecrate it; he thought it was a small child. The cardinals had to pull him away from it quickly – but not quickly enough, I'm glad to say! So I'm the only man ever to have his turd consecrated by a holy man!"

1. El Commandante Ernesto "Che" Guevara

"I never could treat a patient who farted: and with me, one fart is all it takes. I remember once a guy with a gangrene leg came to my office, but he kept farting so much, made me laugh so hard I couldn't do anything for him. He died. Later, at his funeral, his fiancée farted and I pretty much shit myself! Seeing me laugh, she started sobbing. At that moment I realized, "Life doesn't get any better than this!". So I took my pants off, bent down, produced a turd, and hurled it at her wet fucking face! After that, all my comrades joined in and we had the first shit-fight on a Christian funeral ever.

To this day I love to hear a fart; it never gets dull. In fact, for a couple of years now I've been handing out T-shirts with my picture on it to anyone who makes me laugh with a fart. It's an inside joke I have with Fidel; whenever he sees someone with my picture on his shirt, he says. "Ah, Che, there's another smelly moron!", and we both laugh.

When I started La Revolucion in Bolivia I wanted to have a drawing of a turd included in the new flag - right between the hammer and the sickle. I thought it would ideally symbolize the quality of life La Revolucion would bring to the masses. I know I'm not supposed to, but I hate the fucking masses. But when they fart that's when I'm always happy - and reminded as to why I'm involved in this whole proletariat bullshit in the first place."